Values are fundamental in coaching, but are often where the hard work starts
Small inconspicuous little things, but values can really pack a punch!
Values, consciously or otherwise, inform every action and decision we take, and every emotion we feel. They can be highly motivational, giving us the drive and impetus to act and live out our lives at home and at work in ways congruent to those values. However, they can also be highly spirit-sapping and a cause of discomfort, often when our values conflict with the world around us.
As coaches we must be mindful that in every interaction with our client, both our own values and those of the clients are at play. How cognisant are we, as coach, of our values and how they influence our choices of words, or tools, or questions in that moment, and the associated impact on the coaching work being done? How aware are we of how the client’s value set is impacting on their choices and behaviour? Just asking “what do you value most?” can open a content-rich and insightful conversation.
In our experience values may be particularly relevant in coaching when:
A client is at a career or life transition, and significant decisions or choices need to be made
A client is feeling unfulfilled and purposeless
A client is struggling to understand and manage a particular relationship
A client is struggling with a lack of motivation
This territory can be hard work for the coach and the client, particularly those who are very action oriented. Values are often hidden deep and can be nebulous and hard to define. Yet taking time to explore values will get you further and faster in the end:
When the way forward feels unclear, they can provide a compass
When the way forward involves lots of hurdles, they can help with momentum and motivation
When the way forward feels meaningless, they can provide a sense of purpose
When the way forward feels like a potential conflict, they can provide a sense of understanding
How do you know when you’ve stumbled across a value? Some practical ways in which they crop up include:
For the client, when they are simply feeling angry, sad, alienated, disengaged or put upon – a clue that a value may be under-nourished or under threat. Conversely when the client is feeling happy and motivated, this often signals values being honoured.
For the coach, some words help to signal an underlying value. You may hear certain words or phrases being repeated, for example “It’s not fair”, “That doesn’t sit well with me”, “I don’t feel I’ve been listened to”, “I haven’t got time to collaborate”, “That wasn’t very honest”. What makes them feel this way? Get curious. It’s important to work with key words, keeping them front and centre, and start to work on what might be underneath…often a compromised value.
The obvious watch-outs are those times when we hear ‘should or ought or must’. Often this is a sign that values are getting lost, over-looked or trodden on.
So how do we make sure values aren’t ignored in coaching?
For coaches: Build in time for values exploration in the early stages of the coaching relationship. When you sense a value is at play, trust your intuition, slow down the conversation and explore it. Stand firm when you meet resistance or impatience; this is often when the best work happens.
a. Simply ask ‘what’s most important about this for you right now?’
b. Be more explicit and use a structured approach to values hunting, such as a values sorting exercise with the use of flash cards
c. Get analytical about it, and ask your clients to track how many times they felt angry or sad or happy within a given time period. See if they can identify what triggered those feelings, any patterns emerging and get curious about what lies beneath.
For recipients of coaching: when it all feels nebulous, unclear, hard-going or lacking in immediacy, trust in the process and give it time. Question which values are in action. Get curious about what’s making it so hard and why everything feels a little off kilter. You might surprise yourself!
Values are so valuable! They can unite what might appear at first sight to be an eclectic mix, into a team of united, aligned and purposeful people. Well, that’s what we’ve found at Coaching Reading! An eclectic mix of coaching professionals united around a set of core values of community, learning and growth, and helping others. It definitely packs a punch!
Sarah Leach is a member of Coaching Reading and an executive career and life coach